Showing posts with label The Philsophy of Boys. Show all posts
Showing posts with label The Philsophy of Boys. Show all posts
Sunday, 27 May 2012
Sunday, 20 May 2012
Gone are the days when you would go to a ball, have a dance and then marry your Mr Darcy.
I am hugely dependant on technology. I feel victimised when I'm in a wifi/3G/broadband free zone, insulted if my Orange Wednesday doesn't come through on time, and frustrated when I can't access my emails on a train. In short, technology isn't part of my life, it IS my life.
I don't know how I spiralled so out of control, I vaguely remember a time when I didn't check my Facebook everyday, but its fair to assume those days are long gone.
Technology is hugely helpful and theres no way I'd ever turn my back on it, but sometimes, when you have time in between Facebook stalking, tweeting or instagraming, you realise theres a whole lot of baggage that comes with it.
Because we are always made available in some way or another, I personally, feel this overwhelming pressure to be constantly socialising. You are made acutely aware of 'all the fun' that your 'friends' on Facebook are having, and are therefore encouraged to scrutinise the status of your own life and relationships.
You are also encouraged to question why someone is or isn't contacting you. This comes with particular reference to boys.
If he text you first, why hasn't he texted you back or why has it taken him so long to reply? Will he even EVER reply? (This seems to be the one question I am always coming to my friends with).
And Even when someone DOES make contact with you, such as said boy, there seems to come with it, a whole new load of problems and questions..."Ooh he likes this photo of me! Doe's he really like it?", "He text me but he didn't ask a question/leave any kisses?!"... More then often enough you end up getting excited or hurt over something which has been blown way out of proportion.
I have spent a lot of my time obsessing over technology and the problems that come with it, and I know, despite how I have hurt myself in the past, I will spend many more hours equally obsessed.
However, I have come to realise that there something fundamental about socialising via this means which should never be overlooked in any given, technology-related situation (so any situation).
People hide behind technology and this should be taken into account within our social-network careers. Think about it on a very basic level...
Remember yourself at thirteen?
Okay, now remember MSN.
Enough said? I most certainly am cringing into my keyboard right now.
As the Google Chrome ad says, 'The internet is what you make it'. And most people use it, myself included, to create a fantastic altar-ego. On Facebook, someone may have thousands of friends, but in reality, they probably only have a couple they can really count on. A girl may look stunning online, but the truth is she carefully selects which photos make the cut to go on her timeline and carefully edits the ones which do.
Via text, if you are trying to impress someone, whether you are a boy or a girl, you are going to think about what you write. The texting process buys you time, which is why people won't reply straight away. You can 'deal with it later', when you have 'more time to think about a response'. I've been found guilty of doing this and the truth be told I do it because I'm shy, not because I'm not interested.
On the whole technology and the social etiquette that comes with it are stressful and confusing. There aren't any written rules, there are no basic manners you are taught to apply to texting or socialising via Facebook.
Theres just hear-say and unwritten tradition to go on.
Technology makes us acutely aware of this time passing which can cause us to stress about the little things, that in the olden days (aka when our parents were young) would have been totally overlooked.
Gone are the days when you would go to a ball, have a dance and then marry your Mr Darcy.
At the end of the day we must remember, that while technology has made everything instant, you cant rush a relationship. Love is one of the few worthwhile things in life that takes time to happen, but is worth the wait.
x
Monday, 30 April 2012
Dignity is a refined art
Dignity has to be the hardest thing to keep when someone really lets you down.
To keep your mouth shut, to not show how upset they have really made you, when all you want to do is burst into tears and hit them square in the face (or balls, respectively, considering your level of stress...) is bloody hard.
Dignity is a refined art and is never put to the test more then under these circumstances.
You feel as though, while you are facing inner-turmoil, the person inflicting it upon you, walks away more or less scot-free.
However, I am a firm believer in the high road, and would never want to lower myself to the level of some of the dick heads I have had to put up with. By all means, its is important to let them know how they have upset you, but it is equally important to do this in a calm, and relatively emotionally detached way.
Retrospect is a pretty powerful thing, and if you handle a situation in a dignified manner, don't think for a minute that the pain-inflictor, won't one day look back, see the way they treated you, and feel guilt. From your dignity, it will be all the more clear, that you didn't deserve the treatment you were given, that you really were the best thing they never had.
Playing 'an eye for an eye' will have the reverse effect, no matter how in the wrong, the arse hole was originally, if you break down in front of them, they are going to see you as insecure and immature.
For the TOWIE fans amongst you, take a look at Gemma and the way things ended with Charlie. Gemma was in the wrong, texting another guy behind Charlie's back. Charlie, in a very dignified way, called off their relationship, and said he wasn't happy with the texts Gemma had been sending, but was prepared to stay friends. He can truly say, he left that relationship with dignity. He handled his feelings well, and tried to deal with them in a discreet way in front of Gemma. Gemma however, got massively defensive and told him to 'fuck off' and that they couldn't be friends. By acting this way, the audience became immediately aware that Gemma feels stupid that she's betrayed her boyfriend, and even more upset that he actually doesn't seem that bothered. Theres no drama on his part. The scene concludes with Charlie leaving, and Gemma left on her own feeling a bit stupid.
This probably isn't the best example, firstly Gemma isn't a guy, she's a girl and secondly, in my opinion, she's a massive idiot and as a consequence, a boy won't always be so transparent with their emotion. Despite all this, it does, however, exemplify how you will come off the better person if you just hold back in these situations, no matter how hurt you are.
It really is a case of 'less is more' as in - the less you say, the more there is left for the guy to think about.
Girls have a tendency to over think things, and boys a tendency to not think at all. Sometimes therefore, it really is best to say something, which instead of stating emotion, suggests it; to provoke thought in a guy's head, which may just give them a fraction of the hell you've been going through.
These tactics are subtle and you may never even see the results, but trust me when I say they are there. Maybe his inability to make eye contact or his sudden laddish bravado with the guys in front of you, are subtle signs he's either ashamed or hiding his true feelings. Don't see this as him being rude, see it as him being weak and a coward, and don't play to him, leave him to it. The signs can sometimes be minuscule, but they're there all the same.
Trust your instinct.
At the end of the day, when it comes to broken relationships, I'd rather look back with the peace of mind that I never did anything wrong, and that that dick head who messed me around lost out on something good. A dignified and strong girl, who will pick herself up and brush herself off post-dickhead, with dignity still firmly intact.
x
To keep your mouth shut, to not show how upset they have really made you, when all you want to do is burst into tears and hit them square in the face (or balls, respectively, considering your level of stress...) is bloody hard.
Dignity is a refined art and is never put to the test more then under these circumstances.
You feel as though, while you are facing inner-turmoil, the person inflicting it upon you, walks away more or less scot-free.
However, I am a firm believer in the high road, and would never want to lower myself to the level of some of the dick heads I have had to put up with. By all means, its is important to let them know how they have upset you, but it is equally important to do this in a calm, and relatively emotionally detached way.
Retrospect is a pretty powerful thing, and if you handle a situation in a dignified manner, don't think for a minute that the pain-inflictor, won't one day look back, see the way they treated you, and feel guilt. From your dignity, it will be all the more clear, that you didn't deserve the treatment you were given, that you really were the best thing they never had.
Playing 'an eye for an eye' will have the reverse effect, no matter how in the wrong, the arse hole was originally, if you break down in front of them, they are going to see you as insecure and immature.
For the TOWIE fans amongst you, take a look at Gemma and the way things ended with Charlie. Gemma was in the wrong, texting another guy behind Charlie's back. Charlie, in a very dignified way, called off their relationship, and said he wasn't happy with the texts Gemma had been sending, but was prepared to stay friends. He can truly say, he left that relationship with dignity. He handled his feelings well, and tried to deal with them in a discreet way in front of Gemma. Gemma however, got massively defensive and told him to 'fuck off' and that they couldn't be friends. By acting this way, the audience became immediately aware that Gemma feels stupid that she's betrayed her boyfriend, and even more upset that he actually doesn't seem that bothered. Theres no drama on his part. The scene concludes with Charlie leaving, and Gemma left on her own feeling a bit stupid.
This probably isn't the best example, firstly Gemma isn't a guy, she's a girl and secondly, in my opinion, she's a massive idiot and as a consequence, a boy won't always be so transparent with their emotion. Despite all this, it does, however, exemplify how you will come off the better person if you just hold back in these situations, no matter how hurt you are.
It really is a case of 'less is more' as in - the less you say, the more there is left for the guy to think about.
Girls have a tendency to over think things, and boys a tendency to not think at all. Sometimes therefore, it really is best to say something, which instead of stating emotion, suggests it; to provoke thought in a guy's head, which may just give them a fraction of the hell you've been going through.
These tactics are subtle and you may never even see the results, but trust me when I say they are there. Maybe his inability to make eye contact or his sudden laddish bravado with the guys in front of you, are subtle signs he's either ashamed or hiding his true feelings. Don't see this as him being rude, see it as him being weak and a coward, and don't play to him, leave him to it. The signs can sometimes be minuscule, but they're there all the same.
Trust your instinct.
At the end of the day, when it comes to broken relationships, I'd rather look back with the peace of mind that I never did anything wrong, and that that dick head who messed me around lost out on something good. A dignified and strong girl, who will pick herself up and brush herself off post-dickhead, with dignity still firmly intact.
x
Tuesday, 24 April 2012
Good things come to those who wait
What is 'Closure'?
Its something a lot of girls (and maybe even boys...) claim to search for after a relationship falls through with their other half.
Its something I claim to desire too, after a boy has let me down, and I'm left feeling confused and hurt. For me, I often seem to think my closure will become obtained if I talk to the boy, for one final time and understand where it all went wrong.
In theory, this sounds like a good idea, and the perfect solution to put your mind at rest. Not only do you have an opportunity to say whats on your mind, you might also get some answers out of it too.
However, in practice, it never turns out to be that simple. In my experience, every time I've had 'the final talk', I either start to develop new worries and fears or worse yet, forgive them, only to wind up in the same situation a few months later, where so much more seems to be at stake.
So much for closure.
This is why I have come to believe the idea that a 'final conversation' (especially one in a wild attempt to gain closure) is a flawed one.
I'm not saying, that speaking face to face with him is a bad idea, far from it. Ask any of my friends and you'll hear that I love a bit of confrontation (especially with a dash of alcohol). All I'm saying is don't go ahead thinking of it as a solution, as a 'final conversation' and definitely not as closure.
If anything, you'll just use it as an excuse to talk to him again, and feel disappointed with yourself for wanting to do so. I know this from my loved ones and my own experience, and you are left with your self-esteem on the floor. You feel weak, and upset that your 'final conversation' wasn't enough to make you move on.
This is hardly how you want to be feeling when the bastards already left you feeling rubbish.
To get over someone, the best thing you can do, is accept that it is going to take time. Accept that there are going to be days you can't get him out of your head. Accept that sometimes, you are going to want to talk to him.
However, in accepting all of these things, you also have to accept that he is part of your soon-to-be, past. See yourself as undergoing the transition phase. Everyone is going to have their bad days where you are reminded of the past, but you are also going to have good days, which will give you an insight to the future.
Its something I claim to desire too, after a boy has let me down, and I'm left feeling confused and hurt. For me, I often seem to think my closure will become obtained if I talk to the boy, for one final time and understand where it all went wrong.
In theory, this sounds like a good idea, and the perfect solution to put your mind at rest. Not only do you have an opportunity to say whats on your mind, you might also get some answers out of it too.
However, in practice, it never turns out to be that simple. In my experience, every time I've had 'the final talk', I either start to develop new worries and fears or worse yet, forgive them, only to wind up in the same situation a few months later, where so much more seems to be at stake.
So much for closure.
This is why I have come to believe the idea that a 'final conversation' (especially one in a wild attempt to gain closure) is a flawed one.
I'm not saying, that speaking face to face with him is a bad idea, far from it. Ask any of my friends and you'll hear that I love a bit of confrontation (especially with a dash of alcohol). All I'm saying is don't go ahead thinking of it as a solution, as a 'final conversation' and definitely not as closure.
If anything, you'll just use it as an excuse to talk to him again, and feel disappointed with yourself for wanting to do so. I know this from my loved ones and my own experience, and you are left with your self-esteem on the floor. You feel weak, and upset that your 'final conversation' wasn't enough to make you move on.
This is hardly how you want to be feeling when the bastards already left you feeling rubbish.
To get over someone, the best thing you can do, is accept that it is going to take time. Accept that there are going to be days you can't get him out of your head. Accept that sometimes, you are going to want to talk to him.
However, in accepting all of these things, you also have to accept that he is part of your soon-to-be, past. See yourself as undergoing the transition phase. Everyone is going to have their bad days where you are reminded of the past, but you are also going to have good days, which will give you an insight to the future.
According to the Oxford English Dictionary, 'closure' is;
That which encloses, shuts in, or confines; a fence, wall, barrier, case, cover, setting, etc.
Hmm. To me, this interpretation of closure actually sounds pretty extreme and terrifying. Its most definitely unrealistic for any hot-blooded woman to believe they can 'confine' all their emotion for a person ever in their life, let alone in one conversation.
Closure is actually not what women are looking for in getting over a guy. They are merely hoping for their emotions to fade away and to one day, develop stronger and more positive emotions for someone else. (And in the mean time, party the night away, spend your student loan on shoes and eat your weight in cookie dough ice cream - all to be done with friends, of course)
This is something, we have to admit to ourselves, can't be rushed. Indeed, the longer the healing process, the more thorough it will be. And as a result, the stronger and wiser you will be for the next one.
After all, good things come to those who wait.
x
Saturday, 21 April 2012
Marriage material, for the young female student is a curse not a compliment.
There's no point as far as I'm concerned with hiding what is on my mind right now, and, as a matter of fact, what has been on my mind for the last week or so...
...
Its been a boy.
How stereotypical, right? Another girl, writing another blog, complaining about her love life, or lack of.
Well thats not what I'm here to do. Lucky for you, I have my patient as ever, friends and family to listen to me moan on (I know, not so lucky for them).
I've never had a massively successful love life while I've been on this planet. I've never had a boyfriend. And I'm twenty.
And I'm going to put my bad luck down to this: I'm 'marriage material'. Apparently.
I'm pretty sure, every guy, I've ever even come close to being with, has used this as his get out of jail card. Consciously or even subconsciously. Charming. I guess its not an insult, and I'm sure there are other girls out there who get this too, but I'm sure these other girls will have the exact same question running over and over in their mind
Why am I being punished for it?
Why would a boy not want to date a nice girl, who won't let him down? Why wouldn't they want a girl they can be proud to date, who they can take home to their mum?
After much deliberation, I am no closer to answering this then I was two years ago. However, I have learnt to justify it, to make myself feel better.
If a boy wants to be single, he'll be single, and NO girl can change that. No matter how easy you play.
This is different to girls. Or at least it is to me and my friends. If I'm single, and thats how I want it to be, a guy, who I'm attracted to, CAN change the way I feel.
Girls at the end of the day are far less stubborn then guys, and more open to change. All in all, they are more mature.
Therefore, a boy may be attracted to you, and may have even toyed with the idea of taking you out on a date, but if standing before them is a smiley, Kate Middleton-esque girl, who can do no wrong, the idea of taking you out becomes terrifying.
As awful as this sounds, they'll see no obvious flaws in you and run a mile when they realise that this might start a long chain of dates, inevitably, 'clipping their wings'.
Marriage material, for the young female student is a curse not a compliment.
Of course, boys will one day turn into men and will realise that actually, finding one special person is far better then a string of one night stands. But they'll learn this through trial and error, and one day they might just look back at the way they treated you with regret.
After all, karma's a bitch, remember?
This is what I tell myself when yet another immature (often good-looking) boy has let me down.
I try and learn from my mistakes, but I'm young and I want that great love you read about in classic novels, or watch unfold in epic films. And I don't think thats too much to ask for. Its not unrealistic, its ambitious, which is an important attribute to have in life.
I'll be damned if I one day look back on my life and realise I let a few immature boys lower my standards in men. They don't deserve to be affecting my hopes and dreams now, and they sure as hell don't deserve to shape the rest of my life.
x
...
Its been a boy.
How stereotypical, right? Another girl, writing another blog, complaining about her love life, or lack of.
Well thats not what I'm here to do. Lucky for you, I have my patient as ever, friends and family to listen to me moan on (I know, not so lucky for them).
I've never had a massively successful love life while I've been on this planet. I've never had a boyfriend. And I'm twenty.
And I'm going to put my bad luck down to this: I'm 'marriage material'. Apparently.
I'm pretty sure, every guy, I've ever even come close to being with, has used this as his get out of jail card. Consciously or even subconsciously. Charming. I guess its not an insult, and I'm sure there are other girls out there who get this too, but I'm sure these other girls will have the exact same question running over and over in their mind
Why am I being punished for it?
Why would a boy not want to date a nice girl, who won't let him down? Why wouldn't they want a girl they can be proud to date, who they can take home to their mum?
After much deliberation, I am no closer to answering this then I was two years ago. However, I have learnt to justify it, to make myself feel better.
If a boy wants to be single, he'll be single, and NO girl can change that. No matter how easy you play.
This is different to girls. Or at least it is to me and my friends. If I'm single, and thats how I want it to be, a guy, who I'm attracted to, CAN change the way I feel.
Girls at the end of the day are far less stubborn then guys, and more open to change. All in all, they are more mature.
Therefore, a boy may be attracted to you, and may have even toyed with the idea of taking you out on a date, but if standing before them is a smiley, Kate Middleton-esque girl, who can do no wrong, the idea of taking you out becomes terrifying.
As awful as this sounds, they'll see no obvious flaws in you and run a mile when they realise that this might start a long chain of dates, inevitably, 'clipping their wings'.
Marriage material, for the young female student is a curse not a compliment.
Of course, boys will one day turn into men and will realise that actually, finding one special person is far better then a string of one night stands. But they'll learn this through trial and error, and one day they might just look back at the way they treated you with regret.
After all, karma's a bitch, remember?
This is what I tell myself when yet another immature (often good-looking) boy has let me down.
I try and learn from my mistakes, but I'm young and I want that great love you read about in classic novels, or watch unfold in epic films. And I don't think thats too much to ask for. Its not unrealistic, its ambitious, which is an important attribute to have in life.
I'll be damned if I one day look back on my life and realise I let a few immature boys lower my standards in men. They don't deserve to be affecting my hopes and dreams now, and they sure as hell don't deserve to shape the rest of my life.
x
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